When There is No One To Call
The lack of a traditional village often creates big feelings in the small moments.
When your baby or child is sick, or you reach an impasse with your toddler over their nap and aren’t sure how to proceed. Or you’ve had your I-have-lost-count-how-many-now sleepless night in a row. Every day challenges that feel big in the moment. It’s instinctive at these times to reach for the phone, reach for that tether, but then we find there’s nothing on the other end of it.
I have had so many moments in parenting where I freeze slightly and do not know what to do. I stumble over my words, or reach a point where I just have this instinctive urge to reach out for some advice. Or simply to tell someone something, something from my day, what my children have been up to, a milestone, a tough moment that feels funny in hindsight (but absolutely did not at the time) or a moment that felt really lovely.
It’s so normal when we are uncertain to have that immediate reflex to ask. To seek reassurance that we’re doing the right thing or to look for comfort or advice. But when you don’t have that option, or those people to turn to, the silence in those moments feel very loud.
I tend to sit for a while in disbelief that there is genuinely no one to call in these situations. The reflex is so strong that I think, “there must be someone I could call though”. But there truly isn’t. Because the person I am searching for has never truly or consistently been on the end of that tether for me.
This leaves a space where I picture so many others might have someone to call, even just for a chat. And often, that person must be their own mum. Even when they don’t call, I reckon the idea that someone is there must just bring a sense of comfort and security, like a warm hug for their mind.
It is natural to have this feeling and I have learned that it is okay to reach out for help, and to feel a little lost when it isn’t there in the way we want it to be, or feel it should be. It is a completely normal part of life as a human being, and especially as a parent when so many situations crop up that you do not know how to handle or where to go with.
As humans, we are designed to reach for support. It is written into the survival systems in our brain. That isn’t a lack of independence or not doing well enough. It is literally how we are biologically written to survive. We are programmed to reach for others, and to want a sense of community and togetherness.
When you don’t have your own mum or a support system to turn to, it can feel really prominent in the little everyday moments. And even if the moments are little, reaching and finding that there is nothing there for you, is a big feeling.
Be gentle with yourself this week.