The Guilt of What Your Children Don’t Have

There can be a quiet but heavy guilt that sits on your chest when you see what other children seem to have.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, extra arms to fall into and people in their wider family network that they also have relationships with. 

It can feel painful to watch other parents and families that seem to have an extended family network. How their children have others to bond with and bigger tables to sit at.

This guilt can emerge in small moments that blend into our everyday lives. When waiting in the preschool pick-up line. At family holidays, and events like birthdays and Christmas. Conversations in passing with other parents. 

It is small everyday moments when we sometimes get caught by the gap between our context and others, and suddenly feel an ache for what our kids don’t have that others seem to. It is quiet and invisible but feels big when you are the parent that provides a loving home for your child, and you see them not have something that you would want for them. Something so normalised in our society amongst families.

For me, this is tangled up in my own childhood, too. 

While my upbringing was painful, I have such warm memories of relationships with extended family members that nurtured me, often at times when I felt a gap in what I was receiving from my parents. I had present, loving grandparents who I saw often. I had an extended family network of aunties, cousins, and people I shared fun and loving moments with. I have an auntie who is still my best friend and confidant.

When I think about how much I received from my relationship with my grandparents, I feel an ache that my children do not have the same. 

I have to remind myself that this is not because I took anything away from them, or failed to provide something. The people who were meant to be those figures for them did not step up to the role. 

They were not safe to be those figures. They were people to be protected from, not added protectors in my children’s lives.

I can know this, and still feel a deep sadness and guilt that my beautiful children don’t have something I wish I could give them – something I believe they deserve.

This guilt does not come from any kind of parental or personal failure. It comes from loving your children deeply.

Your children are growing up with consistency, care and safety. Those things matter more than numbers and specific family structures.

You are not depriving your children by doing the best you can in the life that you are living. They feel your love, they feel the emotional safety of your family unit, however that may look.

That counts more than anything else.

Be gentle with yourself this week.