Being the Default

Parenting without a village can manifest in lots of different ways, but in everyday life it usually means carrying more physically, emotionally and mentally. 

People talk about the “default parent”, the parent that has the role of primary caregiver, the one that is the first go-to person for the children’s needs, and everything that comes with that. How it has a bigger mental and physical load. Without a village, the effects of being in this role are intensified. Even in a strong partnership, when you don’t have a village, there is a heavier load on your shoulders. It can mean you are always “on”, physically or mentally, always holding the thread of things, always aware of what needs to happen next and the schedule you need to keep to. Because there aren’t any people who could help or keep an eye on these things for you on any given day.

Without a village, there is no real break from the mental load of it all. There is no one outside of the household to hand over some of these things to or to hold anything for you when you need rest, as all humans do.

You are therefore the default, or you share being the default a bit more with the other parent, and not only that, but you are also the default without back-up. 

The tiredness you feel from this doesn’t mean your capacity is smaller or you “can’t handle it”. Being the default parent is a lot of mental and physical work for anyone, let alone someone that hasn’t got a network of support. It is always being the one driving the ship, and there being no people to ask to take a turn every once in a while. Anyone would feel a bit exhausted by that sometimes. 

You are carrying more with much less space to rest, and you deserve to acknowledge how tired you are, and how much you are doing.

Be gentle with yourself this week.