Grief and loss
Every human goes through some kind of grief or loss in their life, at one time or another.
Whether it is grieving the loss of a relative, friend, partner, pet, or a pregnancy or baby loss, grief is a part of life, and it is always painful.
Going through grief feels complex, layered, and incredibly deep. Sometimes it can feel like a fog you can’t get through. It is all-consuming at times.
There are so many huge feelings when you’re in the midst of grief. They come in waves, in phases, and it is not linear at all.
When you have little humans, our experience of grief becomes more complex, a different experience entirely. Sometimes it feels so hard to get through the day, but you have to find whatever strength and energy you can because your kids need you. Sometimes your kids help, because you have something to focus on and little optimists around you all the time with their boundless energy and enthusiasm. How this feels can change by the day, or even the hour. It can also feel so intensely lonely when you don’t have the time or opportunities to speak to another adult about how you are feeling.
It can feel extra vulnerable when you get hit with a wave of sadness, deep upset and overflowing emotions, because you feel like there is nowhere to hide away with that. Your little humans have a front row seat to all of your emotions for the most part. But you also know it is so important to openly cry and process your feelings in front of them because you are showing them that feelings are okay. Crying is okay. Emotions are safe to feel. But it doesn’t make it less hard sometimes.
It feels so raw and vulnerable to be hit with intense sadness on the school run, to be crying as you’re pushing the pushchair or getting reminders of what has happened as you take your little humans to the park.
Trying to keep going through life as normal when you are grieving and experiencing a loss is one of the loneliest feelings there is sometimes.
Without a village, or a lot of supportive people around you who can offer emotional or practical help, your processing space can be a bit smaller too, and you can feel so intensely lonely with what you are carrying. If you are having a tough day, you can’t call on grandparents or aunties to help, to sit with you or to facilitate you having a bit of space to feel your feelings on your own, or to help you feel more surrounded by support or warmth. It can make being without a village feel even more isolating.
If you experience any kind of pregnancy loss, it is another experience in itself. It can involve medical treatment, medical advice and a lot of physical discomfort as well as grief and intense emotions, that you have to process and take care of while looking after little humans that need you. This is so profoundly painful and difficult whether you have support or not. The world wants you to keep moving when all you want to do is curl up in a nest of blankets for a while, physically and emotionally.
If you lose a family member, a relative, a friend or a pet that your little humans knew and loved, it intensifies your experience because you need to help guide them through the experience and their feelings too. It can make it all feel so much more raw, having to explain it all and having them be processing it all, too.
When you experience any kind of loss, you have to let yourself process it and to feel everything. Every stage of that can feel so hard. It is okay to feel whatever you feel. It is okay to wish you had more support if you don’t have much. And it is okay to want space, even if you have less opportunities to have a moment alone with it all.
In all of your feelings, just know that you are not alone. Even though in the depths of grief, it can feel so lonely.
Be gentle with yourself this week.