What Support Can Look Like Without a Village
When you are parenting without the support of your own mum or a traditional village, support often looks very different from what you expected it to.
When I became a parent I expected support to be the ability to call for hands on help if I needed it, people that would drop by if even just for a chat and a cup of tea, my own mum cheering me on and telling me how well I was doing while my eye twitches from sleep deprivation.
When you do not have a wider support network to lean on, though, support can mean different things than hands-on help or anything from other human beings. Sometimes, support to your family means routine, predictability, healthy boundaries and having at least one constant thing each day that you can rely on. It is self-made support that is much more subtle. Things you have built in your every day that produce feelings of comfort. And those feelings help keep you going.
This kind of support does not fix or gloss over what is missing, it is how we put things in place and build a family life that still feels supportive without supportive people around us. These routines and consistent things we have built don’t take away the grief we feel when there is an absence of your own mum, extended family or village of loving people to help you and your family. Hands-on help can’t really be replaced, don’t get me wrong, but it can be managed with things built into your family life that make things feel a bit softer for you. These things could be a routine each day you can count on, like quiet time or reading time in the afternoons as a way to unwind and connect with your children after a loud messy play morning, a few quiet moments after dinner to catch your breath after a busy day before starting the bedtime routine, intentionally changing clothes and washing your face after your little humans go to sleep, like a parenting ‘commute’. It might look like boundaries around when you’re available to others during busy days, turning your phone off when you feel overstimulated, voice-noting a supportive friend who lives far away, or voice-noting yourself when you need to chat some feelings into the void.
For my family, we make different parts of the day feel supportive and grounding. When I have an inevitable mid-afternoon crash, that is when I take my children to the park nearby for them to run around and play, and the fresh air helps me to feel more awake. When my toddler has refused to take his midday nap, which can feel like vital down time in the middle of a busy day, we draw the curtains and read books quietly, and us parents have a cup of tea in a thermos each while the kids play in a calm space. It becomes a low-demand quiet time that helps us all to recharge a bit. When I feel frazzled after dinner, I go upstairs first to sit quietly or splash water on my face before the kids come upstairs and we start the bedtime routine.
Whatever it looks like for you, whatever makes things feel a bit more manageable, it is normal to have mixed feelings about it all. It’s okay to be proud of the ways that you have found a rhythm and also to feel sad about what isn’t there. It is okay to feel grateful for the family you have built and envious about the wider family support that you see others have. Through these little ways you have found to support yourselves as a family, it is possible to feel supported and unsupported at the same time.
Support doesn’t have to look a certain way, and there is no blueprint or rules for how you build your family life.
Be gentle with yourself this week.