Imposter Syndrome In Parenthood

Sometimes, in life, you can find yourself feeling unqualified for the things that you are doing. You feel like your success in certain areas is down to luck, or that you don’t deserve the things that you have, or that at some point people will realise that you are a fraud and don’t really know what you are doing, even though you actually do.

This is called Imposter Syndrome.

It is mostly seen in the context of one’s career, or work, but sometimes it can be experienced in other areas of life. Like parenthood.

It is so easy in parenting to feel like you are unqualified, and have no idea what you are doing, even if you are actually doing a good job at it.

This is exacerbated by the fact that parenting doesn’t have a guide or instruction manual, and there aren’t tangible measures of how well you are doing most of the time. There is also a massive amount of information to consume nowadays, and endless other parents to compare yourself to on social media that seem like they are doing a perfect job.

This gives rise to feelings that you don’t know what you are doing, to a lot of self-doubt and a head full of anxious thoughts. It can be very overwhelming. Especially if you are parenting without a village.

In fact, when you are parenting without a village, because your experience of parenthood is different from what is usually expected, this can easily lead to imposter syndrome. Looking at other parents with a network of extended family and friends that help consistently can sometimes make you feel like you don’t fit the classic description of a parent because your context is so different.

Sometimes in adulthood and parenthood it can also feel like there is a checklist of things that make you a real adult: owning your own house, a nice car, having a successful career, comfortably affording holidays to other countries each year and maybe having a nice spice rack. Imposter syndrome can thrive in this because of these arbitrary things you think you are supposed to have to qualify to be an adult or parent, and without a village it can feel like you have one box permanently unchecked. You have these beautiful little humans that you are raising, but because you don’t have the context as a parent that everyone assumes, you feel like you don’t count, you aren’t a real adult, you don’t know anything and everyone else is more qualified than you.

It can feel quite intense sometimes.

It can be especially prevalent amongst parents who are breaking cycles while parenting, too. If you were raised in a household where you were belittled, not listened to, or treated like you didn’t know anything, or where you experienced any kind of gaslighting, it might be familiar to feel like you aren’t qualified for things or to chronically doubt yourself.

It makes sense that with a picture of parenthood that looks so different to others that you sometimes feel like an imposter. Like you haven’t passed some sort of test to become a parent because you don’t have the support network that everyone says is so essential to parenting little humans, like walking through customs without a passport.

But you are a parent. You are not less of one or unqualified because your context looks different. You are just doing something massive without any of the support that you are supposed to have. That would make it feel a bit easier sometimes. You deserve to see yourself as strong, resilient, and capable for that, rather than a fraud.

Be gentle with yourself this week.