The Relief of Not Having To Explain
When you are parenting without a village, you are living a parenthood reality that is different to the one that is most widely talked about and portrayed in society. It is a reality without being able to call on family members or a wider support network for practical help, whether that be with tasks alongside parenting or babysitting so that you can have a night away.
When you are living in a context that is not widely portrayed or expected, it can mean your life entails a lot of explaining. Explaining why you cannot attend appointments or events without bringing your children with you, or why you are unable to do certain things at all. Explaining why you feel extra tired, why feel like you have much more on your plate, and why small things feel bigger. There is a mental and emotional load in having to explain. In having to explain your life context, your feelings, and why your picture of parenthood looks different to others, especially if it has been painful and not what you envisioned your support would look like before becoming a parent.
This can also feel like having to shrink yourself or make your experience more digestible to others. You may feel a responsibility to soften your reality to ease discomfort in other people – diffusing tension, managing their reactions, and later finding yourself wondering whether you are “allowed” to feel the way that you do. This can feel incredibly isolating.
That’s why it can feel so incredible when we find ourselves around people and in spaces where we do not have to explain ourselves. We do not have to mould our reality or context in a way that makes others more comfortable or understand us – they just do. This can be because we are in a space with someone who is in a similar position, or just understands our position and life context. It can feel so freeing and so light when we are finally in a space where no backstory is required and you are accepted, without any need to qualify. It can also be reading something that just hits exactly how your experience feels, and gives you a wave of permission to take up space exactly as you are, and an overwhelming feeling of “I’m not alone here”.
This relief can be emotional and physical. Your jaw unclenches, your hands soften, your shoulders drop and tension releases in your muscles. There is no longer a need to brace or worry. You can just be. Those moments are healing, and your nervous system deserves that rest.
This space is one of those places for you. You can rest here, and you are not alone. No need to explain, no need to qualify.
Your experience is valid without explanation. You do not need to manage anyone else’s feelings for them. That is not your responsibility. You do not need to be digestible or understandable to exist in all of your multicolour. Understanding yourself, and living quietly within your own context, counts for everything.
Be gentle with yourself this week.