Uneven Expectations

There is a wider world context that is not often spoken about in parenting, but profoundly shapes the way that it feels and is seen by others. It can be seen often in who is expected to do what when raising children, how help and support is perceived, and how each parent’s involvement is framed very differently. 

Mothers are often assumed to be the default parent. The one that holds everything, keeps track of everything, is always responsible unless they have specifically organised otherwise, and expected to manage all of the moving needs of the family day-to-day. A father’s help is usually seen as a bonus, extra, a luxury and quite notable. It is so often heavily praised and not expected. And in this way, care for little humans is very unevenly expected overall across two parents. 

This has another layer of intensity without a village. There is no buffer, no one external stepping in to help with this pressure, and this imbalance of expectation feels much more highlighted at times. 

Without a village, there is less capacity to just silently absorb this pressure and weather people’s expectations. There is much more load on the immediate family unit and less mental space to get perspective or process it all. To bolster and remind yourself that just because society is built a certain way, does not mean you need to take these expectations or ideas on.  

This problem is deeply ingrained in society. There are very long-standing expectations about parenthood, how it should look for mothers and fathers and how things are shared. 

Needing support from anyone is not failure. Parenting as a team is not unusual. It should be celebrated when things are shared well as part of a team between parents when it can be. Feeling the imbalance of these expectations is valid and understandable. 

Your experience makes sense, and without a village, you feel even more of the full force of some of the warped expectations in the world that we live in.  

Be gentle with yourself this week.