Comparison Feels Different Without a Village

Comparison is a natural part of being human. We notice other people in our environment, and as a parent we notice other families, and the ways they are moving through life. 

Sometimes it feels innocuous, maybe just moments of objectively perceiving another mum or family of similar age children to yours. Other times, it can feel a bit heavier, and bring about more internal processing and feelings. The context we live our life in can have a meaningful influence over which one of those happens more often. It can be really hard in parenthood not to notice how other parents are handling everything. As a parent without a village, it can be really easy to focus on how others seem to be finding parenthood, and how they seem to be managing and navigating things. 

When you are parenting without a village, comparison can have a bit of a more of a sharp edge. It can make you feel a bit more deeply. Not because you are insecure, but because you are carrying more on your own. 

It is usually not actual parenting we are looking at either. We aren’t usually diving into how they are handling any given moment with their toddler or baby. It is how easy it seems like they are finding it, or the amount of support we perceive them to have. It is seeing that others might have more backup, more opportunities to take a break, more options for people to support them or chat to, or maybe more confidence.

It isn’t that you resent other parents for what they have, but it brings up feelings of grief for what you don’t have or maybe what you feel you could achieve if you had more support. Seeing and meeting other parents can highlight things that feel painful, like grief for what you wish was there for you. 

These feelings don’t mean you are behind or doing things wrong. You are working with different resources. Different ingredients make different things. 

Your way of parenting makes sense in the context you are living in, and all pictures of parenthood do not need to look the same, even if some experiences are more common or expected. Even if you can’t help but notice how things seem for other people.

Be gentle with yourself this week.