The Spaces That Hold Us

Physical spaces can feel full of emotion in parenthood. Your family home, your child’s bedroom, the place they took their first steps, where you all sit for meal times.

When you don’t have a village to support you, these places feel even more filled with emotions.

Because when other people weren’t there, these places were.

Sometimes it feels like the rooms themselves were witnesses of milestones and events, and they hold more comfort than some people have.

Maybe your child learned to walk for the first time in the living room, and that space will mean that forever. Perhaps, you found out you were having one of your children in the upstairs bathroom, and remember how emotional that felt. The windowsill that had three different pregnancy tests on it. The mantlepiece that holds pictures and the fridge that has always held different pieces of your child’s art, art that they created at the kitchen table where you have family meal times.

You can feel it all in the spaces around you. Like the hallway you have walked up and down more times than you can count, rocking your baby to sleep. The sofa you laid on after a tiring day. The bedroom that holds so many bedtime story times, songs you sang to them and happy wake-ups from nap times.

Especially if you are a parent who has suffered trauma in their upbringing and is breaking cycles, and is intentionally creating a peaceful home that is emotionally safe.

Maybe you were used to tensing your shoulders as soon as you walked through the door, and now you have created a home where you want your children to relax as soon as they come home from school.

You want them to feel sanctuary at home and in their bedroom. You are making sure the living room feels like a warm and welcoming space for openness, connection time and love, and not volatility, conflict and judgement that you may have experienced in your family spaces growing up.

It can be a very emotional experience feeling yourself relax and soften, and your nervous system stand down in a safe and peaceful home.

And as a mother, you are in so many spaces in the home consistently, that they start to be full of a lot of feelings and memories.

The kitchen, the hallway at night time, the bathroom, playgroups, libraries, park benches, the side of the bed that your baby’s cot is next to, or your children’s bedrooms. All of these places have been a part of so many feelings and moments.

You have cleaned and tidied some of these spaces while completely exhausted. Fed your baby in the dark, rocked them to sleep through teething and temperatures, made breakfast and snacks while still half asleep, sat on the carpet to help regulate your toddler during a meltdown.

These places become vessels for big feelings and milestones.

When you don’t have people sharing these moments with you or holding you, these places might feel a bit more significant.

Maybe you have taken your children to the library when they need a change of scenery. You have caught the smell of the books, seen the friendly colourful space for children, the comfy chairs to sit and read books in, the cool air on a warm day or the warmth in winter. The park when they need some outside time and physical play and exploration, with all its laughter and flowers. Maybe their bedroom became a calm, quiet sanctuary with the lights low for quiet time when they refused their nap.

Sometimes making a tea, building a blanket fort, building a reading nook or grabbing some cushions and a blanket to make yourself a comfy space can be an act of self-mothering. An act of regulating and supporting yourself, when you do not have a nurturing mother figure in your life.

Sometimes the spaces that have held me have not been majestic, impressive or Pinterest-perfect. Just some soft blankets next to my child’s bed while I stay and hold their hand and wait for them to fall asleep. My side of the bed when I wind down for the day. A lamp in the corner of the room. Little things that make physical areas feel like sanctuary.

Perhaps that is what healing and living without a village can be sometimes, creating spaces that feel like peace and safety, that help to hold your children, and learning to let them hold you too.

Be gentle with yourself this week.