Grieving What You Don’t Have

The emotional experience of having no mother or traditional village to rely on for support when raising a child can be an ambiguous one. It’s often difficult to quantify, especially when you’re in the thick of very big feelings.

There can be a quiet grief over what you don’t have, and perhaps what you thought you might have. It’s rarely spoken about, and it’s ongoing, living alongside motherhood and everything you are already carrying.

This grief can take many forms in everyday life: guidance you never received, someone who helps you feel a little more seen, being mothered while mothering your own child, and support that others assume exists without knowing the full picture. It can feel isolating and hard to explain – a mourning that isn’t clear cut and sits quietly alongside ordinary moments in motherhood.

These feelings can be difficult to acknowledge, especially when they bring up guilt or a sense of being ungrateful. Gratitude for what you have and grief over what you don’t or wish you had can coexist, and often do. Many mothers rely on their own mum for emotional support when they become parents themselves, and it can be a deep ache when you don’t have what it seems so many others do, or what you thought you might.

You can love your children deeply and still feel sadness for yourself about what you don’t have. You can show up for your child as the incredible mother you are and grieve what you wish had been there for you. This doesn’t mean you would change anything about your child or their life.

If the support you felt promised before your baby arrived fell through, if motherhood has brought old wounds to the surface, or if you never had a mother figure or village in the first place, you may feel isolated, but you do not have to carry it alone. It is okay to grieve what you don’t have.

Be gentle with yourself this week.