The Weight of Uneven Expectations

There is an undercurrent and a wider world context that is not often spoken about in parenting, but profoundly shapes the way that it feels. It shows up often in who is expected to do what when raising children, how help and support is perceived, and how each parent’s involvement is framed very differently.

Mothers are often assumed to be the default parent. The one that holds all threads, is always responsible unless they have specifically organised otherwise, and expected to manage all moving needs day-to-day. A father’s help is often seen as a bonus, extra, and very notable. It is very praised and very unexpected. And in this way, care for your little humans is very unevenly expected on the whole between two parents.

This is intensified without a village. There is no buffer, no one external stepping in to help with this pressure, and this imbalance of expectation is far more visible and impactful.

In my case, I am fortunate that my husband and the father of my children is very involved and supportive, and is able to be due to his work context. This feels like a lifeline to me as a mother without a village to support our family or help us with things. However, because of societal expectations, instead of soaking in this support, I often feel insecure about how much he helps. Because instead of his support being neutral or expected in the way that it is with mothers, it is often treated as unusual. It is noticed. It is questioned. And often, it is subtly criticised.

I have spent a lot of my time in motherhood so far feeling watched and evaluated by others, and feeling as if I need to explain my family dynamic. Feeling a lot of guilt and discomfort in having support from the other parent in my partnership. This has added a weight to the mental load of it all, because I feel like I always need to navigate the expectations of others. I feel as though, as a mother, I should be carrying it all myself.

This problem has deep roots. There are long-standing expectations about motherhood and fatherhood and how support is given, perceived and judged.

Without a village, there is far less room to absorb this pressure and weather these expectations. There is much more weight on the immediate family unit and less space to decompress, to gain perspective.

Needing support is not failure. Shared parenting is not unusual – it is completely normal and should be treated as such. It should be celebrated that things are shared as part of a team between parents when it can be. Feeling the weight of the imbalance of these expectations is incredibly valid and understandable.

You are not doing it wrong. You are navigating something bigger than yourself, something that has always been framed and mapped out unevenly. Your experience makes complete sense.

Be gentle with yourself this week.