The Myth Of The Village

I feel like you hear it everywhere as a parent. The classic phrase “It takes a village to raise a child.” And sometimes, “It takes a village to support a mother”.

It is in conversation so often when talking about parenting, that it seems like everybody has one. But I don’t think anyone stops to ask what it means. 

What is this “village” that is meant to support parents and children?

For a lot of people, it means having supportive and nurturing grandparents nearby. Having multiple friends and family members to call on for help. People who can occasionally take care of your children, maybe babysit for you or just be there with you while your children play or you make their snacks and meals. Practical help, whether that is with household jobs or practical tasks related to your children, that you may not have time or spare arms for. A network of care that makes things feel a bit lighter and easier.

For many parents, though, this version of a village of support does not exist, or is not reliable or accessible. This can be due to distance, living far away from people that would otherwise support you, strained relationships, unavailable family or family that you have no contact with at all. Sometimes friendships also shift when life changes, or there simply hasn’t been the space to build that kind of support yet. There are so many reasons in modern life that the traditional idea of a village does not exist, but it carries on being an expected part of the picture in parenting.

The impact of this gap is huge. This village is so often assumed and so rarely truly present that it can leave parents with a lot of big feelings and unmet needs. It can feel like you’re missing something. Like you’re the odd one out, the exception amongst the wider group of parents. You can often find yourself feeling like you should be coping better, doing more, not finding things so challenging at times. It’s really hard not to feel this way when you are not only parenting without help, you are parenting without help in a world that automatically thinks you aren’t. That is deeply exhausting and disorienting.

Whenever I have heard this phrase as a mother I have instantly felt a drop in my stomach. Just as if I’d missed an assignment at school or hadn’t studied for an exam that was coming up. I have felt like I’m not measuring up, I’m not doing things the way they are supposed to be done. I feel like I’m missing the mark and I must not be doing a very good job in motherhood.

 If it takes a village, am I truly enough then? 

This can turn into a question you carry with you and something that sits on your chest a bit in everyday life. You wonder whether you are supposed to be doing this differently or you are falling short in a way you can’t really describe. This is because you are measuring yourself against a picture you never painted, an idea that wasn’t yours to start with.

I have an picture in my head as soon as the phrase is said or a village is mentioned. A colourful one of a big extended family network, friends that live nearby, people that come and help and cheer you on, of other people that are always involved and care deeply. People that hold you when you need it. 

But I have often wondered, because I don’t have the perspective on it and I only know my own experience of motherhood, does it actually look that way for other people? What is the village that you would see when seeing how another family does things? It can feel hard to wrap your mind around, and it is easy to start comparing yourself.

You can also feel a lot of grief. Grief of not having what you thought you would. Of carrying so much without anyone to call if you need something. Grief over not having anyone outside of your little family to cheer you on, share your joy and share your challenges.

In day-to-day life too, you carry so much more mental and physical load. You are the regulator, the co-ordinator, the organiser, the back-up, the love sponge. These roles don’t spread out across many people, they are all in one or two of you.

When the village isn’t there, parents often learn to become the steadiness they need themselves.

A big thing I have learned as well so far in motherhood is that the village is not universal. It is not something that every parent has access to. Many parents are building their own version without anyone knowing. Or they are functioning in their own way without one.

Your experience of parenting is valid, no matter what your context looks like. If you are without a village, it makes sense that things feel harder. You are not failing, and you are not missing a trick. So much is on your shoulders, with a global assumption that it is so much lighter. You are seen here. You are doing enough with what you have, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

Be gentle with yourself this week.