The Myth Of The Village

We hear it everywhere as parents. The familiar phrase “It takes a village to raise a child.” Another one too, “It takes a village to support a mother”.

It is in conversation so often when discussing parenting that it seems like something everybody has. But we rarely stop to ask what it means. What is this “village” that is meant to support parents and children?

For many people, it means having supportive grandparents nearby. Having multiple friends and family members to call on for help. People who can occasionally take care of your children – babysit or just be there with you while your children play or you co-ordinate their snacks and meals. Practical help, whether that is with household jobs or practical tasks related to your children, that you may not have the time or spare arms for. A network of care that lightens the load in visible and invisible ways.

For many parents, though, this version of a village of support does not exist, or is not reliable or accessible. This can be due to distance – living far away from people that would otherwise support you, strained relationships, unavailable family or family that you have no contact with at all. Sometimes friendships shift when life changes, or there simply hasn’t been the space to build that kind of support yet. There are so many reasons in modern life that the traditional idea of a village does not materialise.

The impact of this disparity is huge. This village is so often assumed and so rarely truly present that it can leave parents holding a lot of big feelings. It can feel like you’re missing something. Like you’re the odd one out, the exception amongst the wider group of parents. You can often find yourself feeling like you should be coping better, doing more, not finding things so challenging at times. It’s really hard not to feel this way when you are not only parenting without help, you are parenting without help in a world that automatically assumes you aren’t. That is deeply draining, invalidating and confusing.

Grief also shows up here. The grief of not having what you thought you would. Carrying so much without anyone to call if you need something. Grief over not having anyone outside of your little family to cheer you on, share your joy and share your challenges.

In day-to-day life too, you carry so much more mental and physical load. You are the regulator, the co-ordinator, the organiser, the back-up, the love sponge. These roles don’t spread out across many people, they settle into one or two.

When the village isn’t there, parents often become the steadiness they needed themselves.

The village is not universal. It is not something that every parent has access to. Many parents are building their own version, quietly. Or they are functioning in their own way without one entirely.

Your experience of parenting is valid, whatever it looks like. If you are without a village, it makes sense that things feel harder. You are not failing, you are not missing a trick. So much is on your shoulders, with a global assumption that it is so much lighter. You are seen here. You have always been doing enough with what you have.

Be gentle with yourself this week.