Friendships Without A Village

Adult friendships are famously hard to make and maintain. There aren’t the same opportunities to meet other people to be friends with once you reach adulthood. You’re no longer in spaces alongside or interacting with others for most of your day. So much of our life when we are young presents opportunities and maintains friendships for us, and this falls away in adulthood, and then things get busier and harder. Schedules are packed, routines need to be stuck to, and it always feels like there is too much that needs to be done and not enough time each day.

It can feel especially hard to make and prioritise friendships when you are a parent, and have little humans to take care of that depend on you every day. There are increased opportunities to meet people in some ways – antenatal classes, baby groups, stay and play sessions, and a shared experience that you can talk about. However, routines are even more important, there is always someone that needs something from you, and it feels like there are so many less hours in the day. There are also mental barriers that pop up and sometimes feel impossible to work with – fear of judgement, anxiety about taking your baby/child to different places, sleep deprivation and lack of energy, low self-confidence and navigating identity changes, to name a few.

Friendships become much harder to build and maintain for these reasons once you become a parent.

And when you don’t have a village, this can be even harder.

The physical and logistical barriers are intensified – with no outside help or support, all of the planning, organisation and care is squarely on one or two peoples’ shoulders, and there is less room for outings and plans changing to accommodate meeting and making friends.

The mental barriers are also so much more challenging – without someone to help and offer perspective, as well as anxiety being the only person or people taking care of your little humans at all times, and also most of the time a shedload of social anxiety surrounding your context looking so different to so many other parents.

There is so much more to think about in social interactions and making friends. Sometimes it feels like there are always things to explain.

Why your life looks different.
Why childcare is difficult.
Why spontaneity feels impossible.
Why support isn’t something you can casually rely on.

I personally find it hard sometimes that, without a village already there, friendships can feel much more important to me than they might to someone who already has built-in support and people to rely on.

I sometimes get stuck in painful feelings that other people may mean more to me than I do to them. It’s a difficult and rarely spoken-about part of parenting without a village.

When you are trying to build connection from scratch, of course friendship carries more emotional weight. Of course it feels bigger.

If you became a parent without a village because you had to protect your children from unsafe people, friendship can also feel emotionally complicated in another way.

Letting people close to your children can feel vulnerable. Trust may not come easily when your understanding of family and closeness has already been shaped by hurt.

It makes sense why this feels bigger and heavier sometimes.

You are not “bad” at friendship. You are building connection while carrying far more emotional and practical weight than many people realise.

It is okay to want people around you. It is okay to long for connection, consistency, and support.

Sometimes little steps towards friendship are enough.

Over time, your people will find you too.

Be gentle with yourself this week.