Loneliness Without A Village

Everyone talks about how lonely being a parent can be sometimes, particularly if you are a stay at home parent or the parent that does the majority of the child care. The irony is usually highlighted early on that parents – mums especially – can get quite lonely even though they are never really alone.

As a mum, you are with a little human for most hours of your day. You rarely have time to yourself, which can be a point of difficulty when you might want a bit of space but aren’t able to take it, even though you love your little ones immensely.

However, even though time to yourself is a sought-after resource as a mum, there is another dimension to motherhood/parenthood that somehow runs parallel to that want – loneliness.

We all have those moments as parents, when our little ones are playing independently, when we are making them a snack, trying to get some things done around the house during their nap or changing a nappy, and sometimes a wave of feeling really alone can hit – even though there is a person right there with you.

This is amplified when you do not have a village.

When you don’t have your own mum or a village, there aren’t guaranteed moments during your days where you spend time with other supportive adults. Your mum doesn’t drop by on a weekday to have a cup of tea and a chat. You may not have a close friend that comes round for a morning, or a family member who consistently checks in on you.

When you are building a village from scratch, there are big periods of loneliness when you don’t have people that you can speak to and spend time with day-to-day.

Sometimes it can look like wanting to share a funny or challenging moment of your day or chat about something in particular that is on your mind. Sometimes you just crave someone else’s perspective, advice, or listening ear, while you watch your child play with their toys. It can feel strange how loud the quiet becomes when you are the only adult in the room for most of the day.

It is not because you don’t love spending time with your child, or that isn’t fulfilling enough.

It is because as adults, sometimes we just need a conversation with another adult. We need to get perspective, chat about things and laugh. And it can feel really lonely when you can’t do this.

It isn’t a failure, nor should it be a point of shame to feel lonely. Most mums do at least sometimes. And if you don’t have a village or a nurturing mother around who checks in on you, you are working with less social opportunities, which gives much more rise to loneliness, even if you are working hard to build a village.

It makes sense that this feels the way it does.

You are not asking for too much by needing connection, conversation, or someone to share the day with. That is human.

Loneliness in this context is not a reflection of how well you are coping, or how much you love your child. It is a reflection of how much you are holding, often without the adult connection that helps make it lighter.

Connection can grow slowly, over time, in small and sometimes unexpected ways. A conversation at a playgroup, a familiar face, a moment that begins to feel shared.

But in the meantime, the loneliness you feel is real and valid.

You are not alone in feeling this way, even if it feels like you are.

Be gentle with yourself this week.