What Support Can Look Like Without a Village

When you are parenting little humans without the support of your own mum or a traditional village, support looks very different from how you would expect. The picture we have in our minds of support in parenthood is having people around us that we can call for hands-on help with daily tasks, babysitting, a helpful chat, or advice, but that definition doesn’t fit when your context doesn’t include having a village of supportive people around you.

When you do not have a traditional village or wider support network to lean on, support can mean different things than hands-on help from others. Sometimes, support to your family means routine, predictability, healthy boundaries and having at least one constant thing each day that you can rely on. Sometimes support looks quieter, smaller and different than we would have expected. It is self-made support that is much more subtle.

This support does not fix or erase what is missing, it is simply how we put things in place and build a family life that still feels supportive without a village around us. These routines, constants and other pieces of self-built support do not take away the grief we feel when there is an absence of your own mum, family or village of caring people to help you. They aren’t a fix or a replacement for hands-on help that you still wish you could have, but the ways we find to cope in the context of no village, and stay emotionally healthy and safe.

This built support could be a routine each day you can count on, like quiet time or reading time in the afternoons as a way to relax and connect, a few quiet moments after dinner to catch your breath after a busy day before starting the bedtime routine, intentionally changing clothes and washing your face after your little humans go to sleep, like a parenting ‘commute’. It might look like boundaries around when you’re available to others during busy days, turning your phone off when you feel overstimulated, voice-noting a supportive friend who lives far away, or even voice-noting yourself when you need to release something into blank space.

Whatever these small ways are that you build support for your family without a support network, it is okay to feel mixed feelings. You might be proud of the ways that you have found a rhythm while still feeling sad about what isn’t there. You might feel grateful for the family you have built while grieving the wider family support that you see others have. You might feel supported and unsupported at the same time.

Support doesn’t have one shape, and there is no rulebook on how you build your family life. Support without a village can exist in pieces and small moments that no one can see except for you, and it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s support to matter. This isn’t about replacing the village, it is about recognising what holds you and your family when there isn’t one there.

Be gentle with yourself this week.