The Weight of Being the Default

The experience of parenting without a village comes in all shapes and sizes but in general, in daily life, it means the mental, emotional and physical load on you is heavier.

People talk about the ‘Default’ parent or caregiver, and all that comes with that, but when you do not have the village that most others do to lean on, this is intensified. Even when you have a strong partnership, parenting without a village puts much more on your shoulders, and leads to the over-arching feeling that you are always mentally ‘on’. It can feel like you are always holding the thread of things in daily life, often feeling a lot of trouble relaxing, because there is no external support to pass things to at any stage or your own parent holding space and care for you and sharing some of the load.

It means that mentally, you are doing much more without a break because there is no one outside of the household to absorb any overflow or to hold anything for you when you need rest, as we all do.

This is not about personal capacity or bandwidth, nor is it a failure at all. This tiredness comes from it all being constant, with no one around you to lend their mental space and you never being able to hand anything over. When it is always you mapping things out, anticipating needs, co-ordinating schedules, and taking care of day to day tasks, you feel tired on a deeper level than if you had a wider net to catch things every now and again.

You are not imagining it, you have much more on your shoulders and much less rest. You deserve to give yourself recognition for that, and it is okay to feel that intense tiredness and lower battery, and prioritise rest when you can have some. You deserve it.

Be gentle with yourself this week.